My husband, Frank, and I just celebrated our 45th anniversary on July 12th! A lot of memories began to surface, and marriage seemed to be a perfect topic for this blog. Whether married or not, I hope you will take something away that helps you, or at least helps you view things from a different perspective. First, let me provide a little background. 

Frank and I met in the latter part of my junior year of high school. He is four years older, so he was working and going to college full-time. We could not have been more different. If any of you are old enough to remember the show Leave It to Beaver, you have an idea of what my husband's childhood was like. His mom was one of the kindest, sweetest women I have ever known. They were members of the Presbyterian Church and were well-known and loved.

My story is the total opposite! My parents divorced when I was 9, so it was only my mother, sister, and me at home afterward. My three older brothers and my oldest sister were all from my mother's previous marriage and adults by the time I was born. We were close but in a different way. I could say we struggled financially, but the truth is we were just plain poor. My mother received disability, food stamps, and child support. It was hard. In school, I flew under the radar as much as possible, and in my senior year, I left school early as part of a work program to help pay household bills. I learned to be independent and self-sufficient at an early age. Thankfully, my brother took me to church where I accepted Christ in my early teens and started the slow and difficult process of learning to trust Him.

When Frank and I met, I knew almost immediately that I loved him! It's a crazy story that some of you may have heard, but suffice it to say that God brought us together and I could not be more thankful! We dated a year and a half before getting married. As you can see, we came from very different backgrounds, and I brought a lot of emotional baggage with me. It may seem like an odd pairing when you look at our past, but we loved each other; we shared the same values; and we both wanted the same thing for our future family. We knew that because we discussed it extensively. If you are considering marriage or remarriage, let me encourage you to have the hard conversations BEFORE you make that commitment. Your hard conversations may be different, but here are some conversations we had and commitments we made back then that have served us well over the years. 

• We were committed to Christ. It was important that we both be believers and agreed to do our best to follow God's plan for marriage. We were not always successful in every aspect, and I can't say we were in church as much as we should have been in those first two or three years, but we knew that foundation was important. "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?" 2 Corinthians 6:14.  

• We were in it for the long haul. Divorce was not something Frank was very familiar with, but I had seen it up close and personal with my parents and some of my siblings. We agreed divorce was not an option for us. We committed to talk things through and be honest with each other. We have had our arguments and I have been pretty mad, but divorce was never on the table for us. There is no shame or condemnation for those who have had to go through a divorce—sometimes there is no other option. What I am saying is having that conversation up front helps set the tone before tempers flare and disagreements fester into something bigger. "So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” Matthew 19:6. 

• We would make our home a sanctuary. We were both committed to providing a safe and loving environment in our home. Frank grew up in that environment and wanted the same for his family. I, on the other hand, wasn't sure what that looked like but knew I wanted my home to be the opposite of my childhood environment. With the Lord's help and Frank's love and patience, we made good on our commitment—most of the time anyway. "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.   

•  We would not allow alcohol in our home. I know the Bible does not say that alcohol itself is evil or that a person should never drink; however, please understand that throughout my childhood, I saw the devastation alcohol can cause on many occasions. It is a symbol of pain and abandonment for me. Frank was never a big drinker and did not have the same experiences, but he loved me enough to see it mattered to me and gladly agreed. "And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony" Colossians 3:14.

No marriage is perfect, so if you are in a difficult time right now, know that you are not alone. There have been times when I wasn't sure I could stand to be in the same room with my husband, and times when I felt unloved, angry, hurt, or insignificant. For probably the first ten years of our marriage, I blamed it on him. To be perfectly honest, sometimes it was his fault, but many times it was my own baggage of emotions, self-doubt, low self-esteem, and inability to trust anyone else that brought on my anger and unhappiness. Unfortunately, I was not always quick to turn to Christ to help me deal with things, and I wallowed in my hurt and sorrow. The enemy piled on lies that led me to some dark places at times. You see, I had never experienced unconditional love before my husband. I didn't even fully trust God, how could I trust him?  Only when I earnestly began reading God's Word, accepted that the Pastor's sermons were for me and not my husband, and learned to forgive those who hurt me in the past was I able to begin moving forward. Slowly but surely, God continues to mold me bit by bit to be more like Christ. I have a long way to go, but I hold fast to the knowledge that "He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" Philippians 1:6. 

Now, 45 years later, we have a marriage that is full of love, laughter, and kindness. There are still disagreements, and I still get pretty angry on occasion, but I no longer go to a dark place. Instead, I go to God's Word and a trusted friend who will give it to me straight with love and acceptance. "By insolence comes nothing but strife, but with those who take advice is wisdom" Proverbs 13:10.

"Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him'" Genesis 2:18. It is hard to be a good helper! Thankfully, God gave us His Word and community to guide, direct, and encourage us as we travel that journey.